Present

I wish…

No, actually I don’t.

I used to wish something had had happened or I were different or that something would change.

I don’t remember when it changed. Here and now I am much more here and now.

 

Well, I am a dreamer. I close my eyes and imagine many things. I speak to myself as if I were someone else. I guess it’s okay. It’s okay to be creative, to set yourself in different environments, against various backgrounds, to wonder what it would be like. Children do it a lot and I really trust children about this stuff. As a mom, I sometimes find it really exhausting to follow my daughter’s role plays, yet I see how much she benefits from doing them. I suppose I benefit, too, when I am really present and wholeheartedly participating.

 

Present. I am learning to be here and now. Continuously. Yes, the present is not that simple for me.

 

I remember how much I would struggle in the past with the idea of the present. At university I had to read a lot of difficult stuff: ethnology of religion, philosophy, history, theology… I hardly ever had the time and energy to like the things I read. Pascal was an exception. I fell in love with him. However, he also made me feel guilty because of a point he made:

 

We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight. So imprudent are we that we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us; and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching.

Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so.” [quoted after: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Blaise_Pascal/Thoughts/Section_2 (172)]

 

I remember it made me feel bad about myself, since I was unable to live in the present. Now I don’t feel guilty about it. I am learning. I am amazed at how beautiful it is just to be… By the way, I am wondering if I could stand Pascal now. I might give it a try. He seems so sad and negative when I read this now, no matter how brilliant he is. Could I cope with it?

 

I guess I could. I am also learning it is okay to be sad. It is okay to be negative. It is okay to feel anxious, apprehensive, depressed. I used to feel bad about feeling that way. Now I am learning just to let those feelings be with me and then let them go. They don’t last long now that I am not as afraid of them as I used to be.

 

So here I am and for some reason you are here with me, too. I love it. I wish you would stay… No, I won’t delete this sentence, no matter how inconsistent I may seem now. I wish you would accompany me. This is a wish. It is probably okay to wish for something.

 

Feel free to come and go. Feel free to meet me when you feel like it.

 

It’s about me. I feel like sharing now. I feel like expressing what’s going on in my heart. I am trying to let go of the expectations I might have: make it the best blog ever; bring about change; be great. I acknowledge having those expectations, but I choose not to let them stop me from doing what I feel like now. From being present in the present.

[This is a post I wrote a few weeks ago and, however focused on present I was at the time, planned for it to be the beginning of my blog. So here it is.]